A day of....

Today, like any day, had its tendrils deeply embedded into my psyche. I've come to love how differently I tend to view seemingly simple occurring situations and address their outcome. My brain had a moment of defunct this morning as I stated in my previous entry. Never letting the thought completely envelope my conscious thought was a big accomplishment but the nagging sensation of the anxiety it had caused lingered. Thus bringing back the thought and triggering the need to once again talk my subconscious mind back into its proper state. This was all off-set when someone I had not seen in awhile came in. It was like looking at what I could have become if I hadn't been a stronger person. His name is John Brown. The only reason I bring this up is because this is a good person. He has good intent and a sweet demeanor but no backbone to realize the choices he's making are ones that are counter productive to his growth as a person. The instant he saw me he lit up like a Christmas tree and generally expressed great interest in hearing about how I was doing. His girlfriend (whom I will NOT talk about for she is not worth the time or energy) sat coldly and showed disinterest in me being there. The cold of negative energy washed over me in her presence. She's the reason he's where he is, never wanting to let go and let him get on with his own life. We sat outside while I smoked a cigarette and told him I was not there to judge him for the drugs he was doing. I shared with him the joy in my life and my new found sober lifestyle that I have fallen into well. For someone so down he smiled so genuinely at hearing that I was doing well. It's a sad thing that I might never see him again to tell him how he altered the course of my whole day with one moment and one thought. Not that his sad state made me happy, quite the opposite. His sadness made me more reflective on my own problems and put them into a box where they belong. I realized the thought was silly and sent it packing. I refuse to let my strong emotions rule how I really feel anymore. Then, to counterbalance the sad reflective state of Jon Brown, my Grandmother and my cousin showed up and I got to tell her about how well I'm doing. That I'm OK and if she was worried at all I showed her in my demeanor and my smile. It's genuine, not forced anymore. 

I'm trying to elaborate on a large scale issue I believe has happened all over this world. Why do we put happiness down with such a heavy hand? Why do we ignore how we really feel and just sit around and wait to feel different? You don't feel any different staring at the T.V. You won't feel any better working at a job you feel stuck at. You won't even feel better holding onto the best love you ever had and hoping it becomes better. The essence of humanity in my opinion would be the interconnected web we share just being human. If you look past people's outward persona and dig a little deeper there is more to some people then you ever thought possible. If you even just do it once a day for a stranger, regardless of the outcome, it helps you become more in-tune with this reality. I urge you to do it and practice it. People become so much less black and white and their vibrant potential shows. Even if a person is lost they can still be found. If they are found and still are lost then you move on to the next. There are so many people around you everyday. Even if the idea of the general public is a sore on your own soul, think of that one other person feeling the same way as you. Believe me, I am not innocent of judgmental tendencies. I do not like a lot of the choices we make as humans, including my own. I will not throw anyone under the metaphorical bus without examining my flaws as well. They are many and they are visible to the eye that sees. 

I said something at work today and had to jot it down immediately. I want to share it with the world but I guess starting here is a good enough place as any. It goes along with me trying to wrestle the dreaded what ifs from my mind that have plagued me for years. Upon having this thought and expressing it verbally, quite honestly, the issue became a non issue truly in that moment. The events of my day calmed me down and this thought truly inspired my being. Enjoy and hope the world treated you kindly today.

"If a woman has to force a man into a relationship and he allows it, then the man is unjust. If the woman wants to force the man into a relationship and the man keeps a steady hand, he is worthy of being loved."