Fuck Off?

I would kindly and with a giant fist like the ass the world to get their heads out of their ass's and look around. Oh wait, that's my culture!!! If I could choose a more ignorant and selfish group to be whisked off the planet it would be us. Whatever happened to respect? What ever happened to loving your children cause YOU BROUGHT THEM INTO THIS WORLD!?! What happened to being able to ask for food from a stranger when you're hungry? What happened to being decent human beings? Why do all these things effect me to the point I'm wearing so thin I'm loosing sight of all the great UN SELFISH acts I can still bestow upon the world. Without a penny to my name is the name of the game. I think I'd be so happy. 

FL!!!!

Hey Blog. I've been ghost for a minute now and I thought you would like me to share in some awesome news!!! So as of Sunday my perception was once again dramatically altered. Not in any damaging way (although yes it hurt for a moment but that hurt is a selfish one) but I felt more enlightened. There is no changing how I feel about a situation but to accept the situation and what it is. Then I re-realized yesterday upon receiving a phone call from Ryan down in FL  that we are shown paths to take and us as people are ultimately responsible to choose one. So I decided to ask to borrow the money to go down to FL. I hate asking for any sort of anything like that so this was a big step for myself personally. I need to work on those pride issues. I am a little egotistical (sometimes a lot depending on the day) but I don't think that's a bad trait to possess.

So at this point it was just an idea. I went to work and sent out all the good vibes I had towards the situation. I send those out everyday, or at least I try to. Erin ended up working at the mall that day and I remembered him saying if I ever went to FL to let him know because he would probably just move there. I let him know and he is coming with us and starting life again somewhere else. :) So much change is happening in my life and I L-O-V-E change because it's a start for new personal journey's and so forth and such with. I refuse to sit around and dwell on my own bullshit anymore. Yeah, I have to live with it but no use crying over spilled milk. I have felt my purpose in life is to make the people I care about smile and forget their own crap for a second. Inspiration perhaps? Only time will tell. I'm inspired everyday sooooooo, YAY!!!

HERE I COME WORLD LIKE FIRE!!!!

The philosophy of the See-Saw

Discussing words tonight and the thought crossed my head. What the hell is a see-saw and why is it called that? Well, it was put to me in a very colorful fashion by Mr. Jake. I will paraphrase what was said for I do not have a photographic memory. When you go up you have seen something and then once you come back down you have  saw something. Essentially this is a colliding of the present and past in one swift motion. What a wonderful spin on something that no one would even give a second thought too and there it is. I hope that this spreads around because the definition that is giving elsewhere is quite stuffy and boring. I love creativity and it's amazing how one simple question can become such a wonderful answer. Now whenever I get on a see-saw I will smile at the thought at how much more there is to a name then what we ever give it credit for. How one idea can jump to another and end up in creative bliss. It was a wonderful day and I hope tomorrow brings more enjoyment and enlightenment. I'm beginning to understand breathing new life into something you once thought was tired and stale. Life is but a series of happenings that we often take for just a series of happenings. There is so much more to life though. Believe me. I have a pretty interesting idea on what life entails. =D  

I am so calm and happy :)

When life gives you lemons build a lemonade stand and sell the shit for twice the price in which it cost. :) I got to catch up with a good friend tonight and it was really nice. I'm hanging with my old buddies and their the best I could ever ask for. I got to tell certain people that I still feel for them regardless of what the weather is like and I all together didn't talk to people I wanted too. I'm OK with all of this. :) I feel fulfilled and that's all I could have ever hoped for out of this day. Thank you for reading my thoughts and I will share the bulk of them tomorrow. Toodles and have a good night world!!!!! =D

Calm in the Morning is a Calm for the Day

Here it is another Friday and I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and have now instilled some positive thought into my head to counteract the "Oh god why the hell am I me?" I think it is working to be honest. I think maybe having a good and mentally safe idea as you first awake is a good thing. I realize I am notorious for sabotaging any good thing in my life. What did someone call me once? Oh yes. A defeatist, nihilist, cynical, Debbie Downer. Maybe not all at once but those are the ones that really stuck with me in some way or shape. GET OUT OF HERE!! That's what I've been telling them all morning. They are leaving and I hope they take a suitcase this time. I'll even pay for their train ticket back to getthefuckouttahere. But alas it is a beautiful day from what I can see through my dungeon window so I'm going to go enjoy its beauty since I missed out yesterday. Being sick is counter productive to enjoying life. Have a beautiful day everyone and hope it gets even more beautiful then you could have even hoped!!! 

I posted this to my Facebook but I feel it also deserves a spot here. This picture was really inspiring. I had clicked on a link expressing good, upbeat, and inspiring moments captured in media recently. They were mostly such. This one I had to stop on and reflect. It's just so wonderful to know that in spite of all the worlds wrong and how we feel at times, beauty is truly all around us. It always has been. We're just not looking for it anymore. 

A day of....

Today, like any day, had its tendrils deeply embedded into my psyche. I've come to love how differently I tend to view seemingly simple occurring situations and address their outcome. My brain had a moment of defunct this morning as I stated in my previous entry. Never letting the thought completely envelope my conscious thought was a big accomplishment but the nagging sensation of the anxiety it had caused lingered. Thus bringing back the thought and triggering the need to once again talk my subconscious mind back into its proper state. This was all off-set when someone I had not seen in awhile came in. It was like looking at what I could have become if I hadn't been a stronger person. His name is John Brown. The only reason I bring this up is because this is a good person. He has good intent and a sweet demeanor but no backbone to realize the choices he's making are ones that are counter productive to his growth as a person. The instant he saw me he lit up like a Christmas tree and generally expressed great interest in hearing about how I was doing. His girlfriend (whom I will NOT talk about for she is not worth the time or energy) sat coldly and showed disinterest in me being there. The cold of negative energy washed over me in her presence. She's the reason he's where he is, never wanting to let go and let him get on with his own life. We sat outside while I smoked a cigarette and told him I was not there to judge him for the drugs he was doing. I shared with him the joy in my life and my new found sober lifestyle that I have fallen into well. For someone so down he smiled so genuinely at hearing that I was doing well. It's a sad thing that I might never see him again to tell him how he altered the course of my whole day with one moment and one thought. Not that his sad state made me happy, quite the opposite. His sadness made me more reflective on my own problems and put them into a box where they belong. I realized the thought was silly and sent it packing. I refuse to let my strong emotions rule how I really feel anymore. Then, to counterbalance the sad reflective state of Jon Brown, my Grandmother and my cousin showed up and I got to tell her about how well I'm doing. That I'm OK and if she was worried at all I showed her in my demeanor and my smile. It's genuine, not forced anymore. 

I'm trying to elaborate on a large scale issue I believe has happened all over this world. Why do we put happiness down with such a heavy hand? Why do we ignore how we really feel and just sit around and wait to feel different? You don't feel any different staring at the T.V. You won't feel any better working at a job you feel stuck at. You won't even feel better holding onto the best love you ever had and hoping it becomes better. The essence of humanity in my opinion would be the interconnected web we share just being human. If you look past people's outward persona and dig a little deeper there is more to some people then you ever thought possible. If you even just do it once a day for a stranger, regardless of the outcome, it helps you become more in-tune with this reality. I urge you to do it and practice it. People become so much less black and white and their vibrant potential shows. Even if a person is lost they can still be found. If they are found and still are lost then you move on to the next. There are so many people around you everyday. Even if the idea of the general public is a sore on your own soul, think of that one other person feeling the same way as you. Believe me, I am not innocent of judgmental tendencies. I do not like a lot of the choices we make as humans, including my own. I will not throw anyone under the metaphorical bus without examining my flaws as well. They are many and they are visible to the eye that sees. 

I said something at work today and had to jot it down immediately. I want to share it with the world but I guess starting here is a good enough place as any. It goes along with me trying to wrestle the dreaded what ifs from my mind that have plagued me for years. Upon having this thought and expressing it verbally, quite honestly, the issue became a non issue truly in that moment. The events of my day calmed me down and this thought truly inspired my being. Enjoy and hope the world treated you kindly today.

"If a woman has to force a man into a relationship and he allows it, then the man is unjust. If the woman wants to force the man into a relationship and the man keeps a steady hand, he is worthy of being loved."  

Oh this little brain of mine, I'm gonna let it shine....

Why do a lot of four letter words really get under my skin? So many words in the English language can be summed up in four letters from our dear alphabet. I consciously have an easier time dealing with them then subconsciously which is a never-ending battle with myself. I feel some mornings I'm dueling another person who always tempts to spill out onto the surface. I'm learning through breathing techniques and self reflection on how to cope with some of the thoughts that are better left kept in my head for the sake of everyone around me and myself. No one should have one thought cross some part of their mind and have it destroy all the positive they are capable of in that day. This is nothing new, I've been me for a whole twenty two years going on twenty three shortly. I'm working my way to mental clarity. The journey is not an easy one nor is it smooth. It's all about how you look at a situation your mind has put yourself in and allowing yourself to not let base human emotion and instinct drive you to a wild conclusion. I think writing helps me with this a lot. My work environment, while pleasant most days, sometimes drivels with an atmosphere of 'Been There Done That' mentality. I'm ready for a change. If not at work but outside of it. I've been doing little things here and there preparing myself for some unknown I inevitably am going to face in my lifetime. Whether it be something forced onto me, or some idea or own creative impulse I have been dying to express for a long time now. I think today I'm going to come home and play my keyboard some more. The movements my fingers make across it makes my soul jump with glee. I now find myself in the car playing the air and listening to key changes. Exercising the fingers and the elaborate workings of my complex brain. 

When I'm truly focused on something and put a goal into motion I am happy. This brings me to the second part of my entry this morning. By the way, I already feel a calm course through my body as I exercise the act of mentally jotting down the ailments I have become so accustomed to letting devour my soul. I said it this morning, "This isn't going to change overnight, I'm working on it." I was and am, telling the truth. If this were even a year ago I would still be focusing on the negative feelings my body suddenly became awash in like a bipolar nightmare. I'm going to focus on how i got to the positive I feel for a second then get to my second point. I am happy. Let it be known (and to whomever reads this journal in the long run) I may sometimes seem like I'm slipping but every time I feel the fall begin to happen again I am learning to pull myself out of the mud and stride forward with a realized and often calming answer to a problem that has vexed me. 

This all began at the apartment I was living at briefly at the end of 2010. I had once again, somewhat selfishly in some respects, put aside all my negative feelings about the situation and lent my helping hand out to people that I assumed would truly appreciate the value of what I had done for them. I had not even blindly walked into this mind you. I knew of the one girls predisposition to abusing the amazing privileges this life had bestowed upon her but understanding the nature of her past I felt maybe she could grow as I was growing. This is where the expression 'Putting to many eggs in one basket' probably should be used. The other girl was older but I had no idea what kind of person she truly was. When I moved in with them I had known her all of three months. Apparently you can hide a lot from a person in that time. The last person I was living with was my then boyfriend Jon. He had been a good friend but I had fatally decided to embark into a "relationship" with him seven months prior. I had already made a rash decision to move into my friends house earlier that year and felt like an ass walking out of that situation. The people I was living with was not the issue, it was me. I was unhappy with what I had done and I couldn't own up to what I was doing. I was not myself. I think all of 2010 I was a bit lost. I had allowed someone to give me their heart but just the idea of that notion. He ultimately couldn't even take me seriously when I told him shortly before ending the relationship that I wanted to quit smoking. If my gradual cutting back wasn't an indicator, the attitude I had when he was spending a large portion of his paycheck on pot should have been the ultimate sign. As I said before, the ideas for what he thought was a good relationship were there, just no follow through of drive to grow with me as a person. I don't think he ever truly got how much I was changing and still am changing. All three of those people basically were letting me defacto run the show. They got to have a good time, be lazy, and all that jazz while I essentially played mother hen. It's not like my sudden want to move out did not come without warning. I was clearly bogged down by the weight of so many responsibility's laid on my shoulders all at once but no one ever went out of their way to ease how I was feeling. I did this for them many times. Jon never even liked Lindsay even before we moved in with them. How can one feel when you're talking about how big of a mistake you've made and the person whose supposed to have your back says they moved in selfishly because they just wanted you beside them? That's a problem. I knew then that it was going to be hard to ever look at him the same again. I can't even get into the meat of that on here for I feel if one would like to know that is something I must say to one's face. In six years I never did something out of self love for myself. None that I can remember anyway. I think I'll always remember the moment I came home shaking one night and gave the mail box key back. I told them I couldn't take it anymore. All my roommate had to say was,

"What did we do?"

At that I told them I couldn't talk about it anymore that night or I was going to say things I probably shouldn't say. Now, mind you, all I did was go back to the bedroom. If ever they were friends they didn't show it then. They picked up a few beer bottles and left to go talk about it at a friends house. A friends house. I didn't even get the common courtesy to have one of them come knock on the door and try to talk to me despite what I might say. Apparently I was living with Frederick County's most spineless. They failed a test any decent person would have tried to pass. Then again, would decent people have made me feel like that in the first place?

From there I have been trying my best to make choices that I know are best for myself. I've never truly understood the meaning of loving yourself until then. I felt incredible. I did go through a rough transition period  that lasted into early 2011 but it was worth it for the mental clarity it has offered me. A stepping stone in a more positive direction. A milestone in my adult life actually. I walked away from something. I didn't let my own suffering get in the way of what I had to do as a person. I took those bad feelings and used them to make myself a stronger person. Transcended the suffering and utilized it in a way that I never dreamed possible until then. 

This leads me into the final part of this entry for it is long and I must go to work soon. I sat at work yesterday and devoured a book. I have not done this in years. The book is titled 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor E. Frankl. I believe if ever any book has been suggested to me in a long time, this one was truly worth reading in one sitting. I will actually do an entry on its profundity and impact it made upon myself in another entry later today but until then I would like to share some of the philosophical and meaningful parts I jotted down during my read.

"Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

"As the inner life of the prisoner tended to become more intense, he also experienced the beauty of art and nature as never before. Under their influence he sometimes even forgot his own frightful circumstances. If someone had seen our faces on the journey from Auschwitz to a Bavarian camp as we beheld the mountains of Salzburg with their summits glowing in the sunset, through the little barred windows of the prison carriage, he would never have believed that those were the faces of men who had given up all hope of life and liberty. Despite that factor- or maybe because of it- we were carried away by nature's beauty, which we had missed for so long."  

"Et lux intenebris lucet"-and the light shineth in the darkness.

"But it is not for me to pass judgement on those prisoners who put their own people above everyone else. Who can throw a stone at a man who favors his friends under circumstances when, sooner or late, it is a question of life or death? No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same."

"We who have lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. And there were always choices to make. Everyday, every hour, offered opportunity to make a decision, a decision whether you would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become modeled into the form of the typical inmate." 

"It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us."

"Sed omnia praeciara tam dificilia quam rara sunt" - but everything great is just as difficult to realize as it is rare to find. 

So there you have it. I'm going to jot down some notes about the off branch of psychotherapy his way of thinking spawned. "Logotherapy" which apparently this blog doesn't even recognize as the correct spelling of a word. 

Have a good day.

TOMS shoes is embodying everything WRONG with people... -.-

http://goodintents.org/in-kind-donations/a-day-without-dignity

It truly is a day without dignity today. How can my country ask me to be so simple and narrow minded? Don't I live in a country of choice and ideals? No.way.man. This is a country of profit and how much bigger your dick is then the next asshole standing next to you. Buy one pair of shoes and we'll give another to a developing country? Whose lame idea was this? Anyone with half a mind knows that they have plenty of shoes over there. Market places are FILLED with shoe salesmen. It's not in a conventional sense but it is a business and they do make money to feed their families and wouldn't you know....BUY THEM A PAIR OF SHOES! It's just another ploy to suck the money out of our pockets and redistribute the wealth to the wealthiest people in the world. It's the most visible pyramid scheme ever that no one seems to notice. I have enlightened a few in my time but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I can only hope they'll go tell someone else and so forth and such. I think it's time to WAKE UP WORLD!!! Look at all we have and all we're going to loose. It makes my stomach sick to think about how much we've wasted and never had to. My generation really needs to wake up. Maybe if we do the ones beneath us will get some sort of jolt to their chemically and psychologically altered brains. Something needs to happen and it needs to happen soon. I don't know what that could possibly be but I'm here thinking positive thoughts for my fellow man (although a good number of you need to be mentally slapped btw) and hoping for a brighter tomorrow. We are not getting any younger and neither is our planet. Why won't we take care of the place we live on? We only have one planet. I don't understand. I'm going to ponder these thoughts for a bit. 

I love sleep but it's 8AM

So the older I get I've noticed that my perception of time has become more erratic. I remember as a kid everyone would always tell me, "The older you get the faster time seems to move. You'll see." Well I'm not a "kid" anymore and I think time has begun to slow down. Essentially that is time though. It's a completely relevant idea that someone came up with as a way to keep track of the transition from day to night. I'm sure the survival of the species also laid its heavy hand. That's something most people don't even think about. How many of the everyday things we do were all created out a basic need to survive? Freud man. Edward Bernays. There's more names to add to those two but my tired brain doesn't feel like pulling out every key players in history. Not a conspiracy, just a whole buncha craziness that the older I get the more sense it all starts to make. As ingenious of an idea the whole scheme of "consumer culture" is, I can't help but wonder what we would be like today if we didn't let our money driven thoughts drive us this far away from a life that is really fully of importance? We could still enjoy a lot of what we do but I think the human mind has come far enough along to make those changes happen. Corrupt and powerful forces keep the good bad and that is how it is. I don't think any one person can change this. Sad reality. Happy reality is we are never directly forced to stare into it so it is easy to block. I did for a long time. I no longer focus my entire being on it but I have come to understand the all seeing eye really is a symbolic form of power. Hell, it's on money. Enough said. It's nap time.